Terror Attack in Fort Worth - The Manchurian Rodent

Make no mistake, today Fort Worth was attacked by terrorists using a most cunning and evil plan. A martyr-squirrel was directed, possibly through mind control or some other nefarious terror technique, to gain entry into a major power transformer in Southwest Fort Worth. On the premises, the squirrel, imagining the 70 slinky squirrel virgins that awaited him in a better place, carefully positioned himself (making use of his extensive terrorist jungle-gym training) such that power would arc through his squirrel body, thereby taking down the grid for about a half-second, but also making denizens of SW Fort Worth, like me, be confronted with the extreme deprivations of boiling water (or just walking out to the garage to get one of the 6000 bottles of Ozarka we bought at Costco last weekend.)

The major side effect, however, was taking down all the irrestistable eateries frequented by we SW Fort Worthers. The terrorists obviously had their eye on havens of freedom, their admitted enemy, like Lotus Chinese Buffet, where mostly obese diabetics may freely eat just about anything they want in the quantity preferred. Ditto for Golden Corral, another bastion of democracy. Sadly, there will be no Monte Cristo or French Dip sandwiches served at Bennigan's tonight...Long John Silver's and Arby's will remain empty as an example of our underestimation of the terrorist threat. Domino's will not deliver tonight, Mr. bin Laden.

This attack is not without precedent, however. In a training exercise in College Station, TX yearly 18 years ago, al-Qaeda and its evil minions put their to 9th century ideology to bear on Texas A&M university where another martyr-squirrel was used to short out the transformer, thereby cancelling a day of classes. Their diabolical plan resulted in thousands of A&M students drinking themselves silly at numerous watering holes...thereby weakening their resolve to fight radical Islam.

Wake up, people! Start wearing flags on your lapels, for that is the only real way to defeat these depraved caliphatists.

UPDATE: It has just come to the attention of this news gathering organization that Mike Huckabee, in town campaigning for the Texas primary, has gone to the transformer station and requested that he is given the carcass of the martyred squirrel. Huckabee, responding to questions from reporters about the purpose of his visit, said, "I'm a conservative, and as a conservative, I'd hate to let a perfectly good barbecued squirrel go to waste. I picked up some hot dog buns and mustard over at the Kroger's, and we aim to eat some squirrel-dogs tonight."