Best and Worst of 2005

I've begun my end-of-year stock taking and so I'm publishing one of those ass-whip end of the year best of/worst of lists. Like the Oscars, I can only remember what's happened in the last few months.

First things first:

In Memoriam: Hunter S. Thompson, Gonzo Journalist, who I can identify with about breakfast: "I like to eat breakfast alone, and almost never before noon; anybody with a terminally jangled lifestyle needs at least one psychic anchor every 24 hours, and mine is breakfast. In Hong Kong, Dallas or at home - and regardless of whether or not I have been to bed - breakfast is a personal ritual that can only be properly observed alone, and in a spirit of genuine excess. The food factor should always be massive: four Bloody Marys, two grapefruits, a pot of coffee, Rangoon crepes, a half-pound of either sausage, bacon or corned beef hash with diced chilies, a Spanish omelette or eggs Benedict, a quart of milk, a chopped lemon for random seasoning, and something like a slice of key lime pie, two margaritas and six lines of the the best cocaine for dessert...Right, and there should also be two or three newspapers, all mail and messages, a telephone, a notebook for planning the next 24 hours, and at least one source of good music...All of which should be dealt with outside, in the warmth of a hot sun, and preferably stone naked." From The Great Shark Hunt.

Medical Treatment of the Year: Epidural Steroidal Injections (ESI) - While the first ESI shot was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life, it has tremendous upside. I went from being literally crippled due to a herniated disk between L-4 and L-5 to no pain at all in about two days. I've been virtually pain free for the last five months. Thinking about those shots gives me the willies, but it's powerful medicine.

Lowest Point of the Year: Montezeuma's Revenge. Period. I don't possess the vocabulary to accurately describe the sheer horrible-ness associated with this malady. The abdominal distress was seismic. There were hallucinations of animals being slaughtered.

Rockinest Song of the Year: MC5, Over and Over. MC5 was described here as a band that refused to be listened to quietly. But wait, you say, this song is 35 years old. Well, it was new to me. I've pretty much listened to three types of music this year: pre-punk (like the MC5), punk (like the New York Dolls), and post-punk (like Mission of Burma).

Smoke of the Year: Cuban Montecristo #2.

Accomplishment of the year: It's really sickening to think that one spends over 2000 hours a year working, and this time doesn't yield anything of which to be proud. Discussing this with a co-worker the other day, I realized I had a greater sense of accomplishment about the little red table I built for the patio than anything I had done at work. But the little red table isn't the accomplishment of the year...it took too long to build. Instead, it's the thirteen minutes I spent finally slaying the Jeopardy test. I'm now in the active contestant pool and could be contacted any day to appear. Those of you that saw me that morning realize the scale of the accomplishment.

Book of the Year: I really can't remember anything I've read. I'm reading a good book right now, Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything. Maybe I need to switch back to fiction. I know I've enjoyed some Paul Theroux this year. Didn't David Sedaris have a new book out?

Wine of the Year: I'm not that fond of wine. I prefer Scotch. Like Chivas.

Regret of the Year (a.k.a Last Year's New Years Resolution I Failed to Accomplish): Exercising. I was either too busy or not busy enough, or my back hurt, or a million other excuses. I did buy an MP3 player to listen to when I exercise. I usually use it when I'm sitting on the patio smoking cigars and drinking scotch. This is pretty often.

Experiment of the Year: Q. Will a couple of big ice blocks cool down a hot as shit swimming pool in July. A. No, but it was worth doing.

Soup of the Year: Every year this is the most eagerly awaited category, which is why we present it last. Drum roll please. Second runner-up: Shrimp Bisque at the Parthenon. First runner-up: Red Posole at Sapristi. And the winner is.....Caldo de Pollo at El Asadero. The chicken soup at El Asadero is brothy goodness. Served classic style with a dark meat quarter on the bone and full of coarsely cut vegetables, this dish will cleanse your head physically and spiritually. Best enjoyed with a Negra Modelo cerveza (or two) on a Saturday afternoon when there's chill in the air.

Check back soon for final results of the "Beast of the Year" competition. Last I heard, Kinky the Backyard Rat was surging. Update: Kinky the Backyard Rat is a mighty bold beast at that. You should know that Kinky is a rat that lives in some brush by a big tree in my backyard. His/her food source is about 15 feet away in our compost bin. This is adjacent to our patio. Usually the rat does his food foraging while we're gone or inside. Well, the other day I was sitting on the patio and damned if the beast didn't just skitter right up to about five feet of me. I'm not sure this behooves him with respect to Beast of the Year, but it's mighty bold considering 90% of the time I'm outside I have Poofus the cat with me. Poofus has a reputation for cutting short the lives of rodentia. Stay tuned, dear reader.